Let’s be honest with ourselves, none of you reading nor me writing need a good reason to take down a twelve pack and heckle dancers at the local youth ballet performance, but when the rest of the world is looking at you with disdain as you yell out, “You call that a plie?” to a five-year-old girl crying on the ground after a nasty spill on stage, it can help to have a good reason for drinking. Here are my top ten reasons to get drunk.
1. Because *insert any given event* goes better with a beer.
If someone ever asks you why you’re drinking at 10am on a weekday, saying that whatever it is you’re doing just feels better while drinking is a guaranteed way to get them off your back. “Relax, Mom, cousin Maxwell’s youth church choir performance goes better with a beer.”
2. I’ve been going non-stop.
You don’t even need to elaborate on this. Whenever you say it, people automatically assume that you’re taking the edge off of a long stretch of hard work with a few drinks. They don’t need to know that the only thing you’ve been doing non-stop is locking your door, popping in airpods, and pumping millions of children into a tissue.
3. It’s a beautiful day outside.
How are you supposed to appreciate the beauty of God’s green earth when the sun is shining without being too drunk to walk?
4. Crappy weather out there.
You can’t go outside, it’s storming! That means you don’t really have much choice other than to hit the booze hard.
5. There’s nothing better to do.
Using this excuse for getting piss lizard hammered is great because not only does it justify it to others, but it also makes you feel better about it.
6. It’s *insert whatever day of the week it is*
Sunday? Gotta finish off the weekend. Monday? So painful it can only be solved with alcohol? Tuesday? Can’t believe there’s three work days left; I have to drink. Wednesday? It’s basically the weekend. Thursday? You have to capitalize on the drink deals. Friday? Celebrate the end of the week. Saturday? Nothing to do tomorrow! See? It works any day of the week.
7. I’m celebrating.
Celebrating what, you’re probably thinking. That doesn’t matter. No one needs to hear anything except that there’s something going on that deserves a round of shots.
8. I’m going to be a father!
It may not be happening anytime soon, but at some point in life, we all plan on being dads, so why not take down 3-17 beers in honor of the fact that you eventually plan to bring a child into this world.
9. I’m just taking the edge off.
Saying this will let the person asking why you’re drinking know that you’re going through some stuff, and since no one wants to listen to your problems, they’ll inevitably let you drink in peace. Sounds like a total win to me.
10. I’m trying to numb the internal agony I feel every second that I’m sober. If I don’t drink right this instant, you’ll see a side of me that is not only crippled by sadness and a longing for love, but also cannot function in any kind of social setting without feeling like the world is completely out to get me. This beer is the only thing that gets me through this pointless, movement of time that we call life.
I promise I don’t have a drinking problem. My coworker does, though.