I love sex. Love having it with women in particular. With that said, though, there are exactly ten things out there better than intercourse.
Two and a Half Men
Twelve seasons. Twelve freaking seasons! And somehow it’s still not enough. Don’t ever pretend like the greatest sit-com of all time isn’t better than intercourse.
If you had to give up food or sex, what would you do? Kill yourself probably. But if that weren’t an option, you’d enjoy celibacy with a bacon cheeseburger.
Porn is always there for you. Always. Sex is sometimes there for you for three to six minutes at a time.
Sex has quite literally never been a coping mechanism to help me forget about my problems and damage my liver. Points to beer for that one.
One Wipe Poops
If I could give up banging babes right now and be rewarded with one wipe poops every time I void my bowels with hot sour brown water, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Do you know how much time and energy a turdsman such as myself has to put into making sure his butthole is squeaky clean? Too much, man. Too much.
Ever been unable to breathe because of laughing? Yeah, I’ll take that over sex any single day of the week.
You ever realize that the three hundred dollar bar tab that was supposed to be “split between the two of us” never came through your Venmo requests? Financial orgasms over real orgasm ALL DAY, SON.
Beating Your Friend in Madden
Nothing shows just how big of a pussy someone is like losing in Madden. When has sex ever let me dominate one of my friends? Maybe three times. I can do that in Madden any time I play my friend Shane because he sucks.
Staying Pure by Not Sinning with Premarital Sex
Shoutout to all the by-choice virgins out there. Way to stick to your guns, kings.
I lied throughout this entire blog. Nothing is better than sex. Nothing at all. And if you agreed with a single one of these, you’re dead wrong, so stop lying to yourself. Okay. The Two and a Half Men one might be true.