Alex Becker
I love wieners. Not the ones attached to dudes (or female dudes nowadays), I’m talking about hot dogs. As a self-proclaimed glizzy enthusiast, I eat about ten Hebrew Nattys each week, so it’s safe to say that I know what I’m talking about. Due to my expertise, I figured I should enlighten you all on the proper times to consume a hot dog. Here are the ten best places to devour a delicious dawg.
Baseball Games
Obviously this was first on the list. Baseball essentially invented the hot dog (don’t fact check that). It should be a written rule that anyone who attends a baseball game must consume at least one wiener. It’s just part of the experience. Not eating a hot dog at a ballpark is like Seth Rogen playing a character that doesn’t smoke weed. It’s just unnatural.
American Days
July 4th, Memorial Day, Super Bowl Sunday, and even 9/11 are all phenomenal opportunities to show your American pride by stuffing your face with the most processed, delicious, patriotic meat known to this nation.
Five Guys
It may cost you $40 or something, but damn does Five Guys make a good dawg. If you’ve only had a burger there, you are missing out. Trust me.
The Apocalypse
I don’t know much about the scientificness of hot dogs, but I do know that they last forever. So if the time comes when we need to pack up all our stuff and go to Mars to escape the AI zombies, you bet your ass I’m bringing some dawgs.
Hot Dog Eating Contest
Gather your friends and see who can swallow the most wieners in ten minutes. You will never feel like more of an athlete.
On The Go
You know why there are hot dog carts all around New York City? Because they’re a great mobile food. 7-11 dog while you’re driving? Easy peasy. Shower dog? Nothing goes better with your shower beer. Hell, you could even hold a wiener while you yank your own.
Costco
What’s better than one foot of meat on a bun? Nothing, especially when it’s $1.50 and comes with a drink. In case you didn’t know, Costco actually loses money on hot dogs, so if you’re paying for a membership it’s the only way to truly make your money.
Before A First Date
We all get a bit nervous before a first date. Calm your nerves with a nice, relaxing glizzy to get you in the zone.
Prison
A hot dog is the only good type of wiener you could ever get in the clink.
Anytime
In case you didn’t get it from the first date one, clearly anytime is a good time for a hot dog. I ate two hot dogs for lunch today. And I’ll probably do the same thing tomorrow. One time my girlfriend (sorry, ladies) told me that was a weird thing to eat as a weekday lunch. You know what I did? Had some glizzies for dinner that night too. Don’t ever let someone tell you when you can or can’t eat a meaty wiener. Your body, your choice, their loss.
