in

Translating Guys’ Flirtations

It’s no secret that human beings rarely speak exactly what’s on their minds, and this is especially true when it comes time for a man to flirt with a desirable female while out and about. There’s no good way to say, “I’d like to stick it in you,” and not seem like a creep, so we result to other compliments and things of that nature that don’t make us seem like the sex-obsessed hornballs that we actually are. Those flirtations are incredibly difficult to decipher, so much so that translating them for you guys may be important. They’re complex, deep, and incredibly intricate, so, here is me translating guys’ flirtations:

“I like your shirt.”

At its surface, this small line tells a woman that a man has seen her outfit and truly taken a liking to it. It will make her feel noticed and her sense of fashion feel truly appreciated. In reality, men don’t care very much about how fashionable a shirt may be. We care much more about what’s underneath that shirt. It’s just the way it is.

Translation: The shirt you are wearing is both tight and displays an impressive amount of cleavage, which I am now focused on not staring at for too long. Thank you for giving both my eyes and penis something to get excited about.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

Women everywhere know that this is a clear sign that a man is attempting to “woo” her. The buying of a drink is a universal way to say “I want to have sex,” without the graphic detail. The acceptance and further acceptance of future drinks signals to guys that they might be able to sexually disappoint that girl later in the evening.

Translation: Please let me buy you a drink in the darkness of this bar. If you accept it, my generosity combined with the effects of alcohol may lead you to believe I am much more attractive than I actually am, which will give me a better chance to see you naked tonight.

“Do you want to dance?”

In no universe where all men have penises world I can imagine does a man want to dance with a woman to show off his moves. We don’t go out on the dance floor with hopes that the girl we want to bang will see us dancing and immediately ask to go to the bathroom for a quickie. It would be cool if it worked that way, but it doesn’t. There are ulterior motives.

Translation: There seems to be very little room out on the dance floor, and because of that, I’d like to go out there with you. I’m imagining that if I throw a few more good lines your way and add in very little room to move, you might decide to start rubbing your rear end on my crotch and call it “dancing,” which would please me greatly.

“Where are you from?”

This is the pinnacle of things to ask or say to a girl when you have no other options in sparking a conversation. It’s fool-proof because everyone has to be from somewhere, but it’s not a line any dude feels confident about when it comes to scoring skonch.

Translation: I barely care where I’m from, which means I most certainly don’t care where you’re from. I’m doing this so that you will have to give me an answer, and hopefully that leads to conversation I’ll at least enjoy.

“Should we go back to my place and postgame?”

This is the moment of a shot being taken. Sometimes it’s a lay-up, other times it’s a full-court buzzer beater attempt. Either way, there’s no mistake to be made: “postgaming” is most definitely not at the forefront of activities a guy wants to partake in after delivering this question.

Translation: I’ve spent all night desperately trying to prove that I’m worthy of an unclothed 4-6 minutes in a bed somewhere. I’ve become broke feeding you Vodka Crans, and now I’m hoping that it’s going to pay off with penetration. If you say no, I’m going to go home, sadly masturbate, and wake up tomorrow feeling depressed.

Basically, it’s this Alex Jones clip.

My apologies to any guys who now have to step up their game because of my translating your flirtations.

Written by Tim Moxey

Above average intelligence, below average weiner.

To comment, fill out your name and email below.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Free Forms of Entertainment

Kim Jong-Un is on an Ultimate Bender