For any of you coming into this with the mindset of “all relationships are completely unique and can’t be generalized,” this is your cordial invitation to realize you’re being an idiot. Or take a suck on my balls and close this tab. Sure, none of these will be exactly spot on. Oh wait. Yes they will. So, here are the types of girlfriends that your boys will have.
Usually Seen, Sometimes Heard
This is by far the best kind of lady one of your friends could be dating. She’s fun enough that nobody minds her being around, but she also has the capacity to understand that she probably shouldn’t jump into every single conversation that the fellas are having. She’s perfectly content sitting and listening to the heinous things you and your friends say. And she won’t even tell anyone after she’s heard what could be interpreted as a plot to assassinate the President. Of course, no one’s actually going to do it, but you wanted to hear how everyone would go about it. It’s all hypothetical.
Stage Five Clinger
This broad usually starts off pretty similar to the above type, but within two weeks of dating, she’s forcing your boy to say “I love you” over the phone repeatedly and won’t let him take a shit if he doesn’t tell her first. She’s completely deranged and more dangerous than trusting a fart not to smell on an airplane. The inevitable end to this relationship will breathe new life into a friend that was essentially living as a sex slave.
The Back-Up Punter
This is the girl that you know exists because every once in a while you get a glimpse or see a picture, but that your buddy is either too afraid or too lazy to bring around. She’ll cause no issues due to the fact that she’s never there, and when she is, she speaks fewer words than Helen Keller.
(Almost) Jenny from The League
The League is a great show, and it would be really cool if a guy could have a girlfriend that perfectly fit in with real life characters similar to Ruxin and Taco. But the reality is, that’s a television show, and it can never really happen in real life. That won’t stop this chick from thinking she’s “one of the guys,” and becoming way too comfortable. It quickly turns into everyone retreating to their rooms the second she comes over and plops her admittedly attractive buttocks on the couch. It gets even worse if she asks, “Why don’t we hang out anymore, guys?”
The Enterprise Rent-a-Girl
This girl is never around long enough for you to get to know her, so there’s really no way to classify her. She’ll pop in about four months after one of your friends got out of a long term relationship with zero clue that she’s just a hole for a peg of a guy who could use therapy. You would feel bad for her, but since you’re not totally sure of her name, it becomes easy to forget that she’s probably dealing with serious emotional issues after the three weeks of hell that broken man you call a best friend just put her through.