As a young boy goes through his adolescence, he goes through many phases where he bases his entire personality off of one thing. The typical progression goes trucks, sports, girls, Christian Bale in American Psycho. Every guy in his youth picks one of a few sports, and decides it’s his life’s mission. Until the day he gets cut from a high school team and realizes his dreams were a fantasy. Although this seems like a universal experience, each of these sports comes with an entirely different personality.
Baseball
You and your dad played catch a lot growing up. You thought if you practiced enough diving catches in the backyard, you’d make one in a game one day. As you grow older, the identity of this sport becomes way more about chewing tobacco. Maybe it’s Zyns now.
Football
You had way too much energy growing up. No one liked playing against you in basketball because you played small forward and defensive end the same way. You were the kind of kid who would run face first into a wall and laugh about it. Your mother is still worried about you.
Basketball
You probably had an older brother who dominated you in your driveway. The constant losses you suffered on an eight-foot hoop gave you a Mamba Mentality that carried you until you realized weed was more fun than sports. Either that, or this was just one aspect of your larger cultural appropriation.
Soccer
You played from a young age, and you never had a reason to stop because you were always athletic. Soccer players growing up are typically decent at every other sport. But their athletic prowess comes from the fact that they are faster dribbling a soccer ball than you are running in the wrong direction on a tread mill.
Hockey
You march to the beat of your own drum. As a kid, you were a wildcard, so the thought of running around on razor blades probably excited you. You were likely the funniest of all your friends growing up.
Lacrosse
Your ADHD was way too high when you were young. As a result, you baseball bored the shit out of you. When you got a little older, you made sure everyone who played baseball knew how dumb their sport was. You were pretty annoying about it honestly.
Golf/Tennis
You had more money than me growing up. For that, I resent you.
Swimming
You were so active that you refused to have an offseason growing up. You either were built like a miniature Michael Phelps, or you sucked at swimming and hated it. Odds are, your parents are the only reason you ever joined the team.
Track/Cross Country
You weighed eighty-two pounds the day you finished eighth grade. From the manhunt games you played early on in your life, you found out you shared a skillset with Forrest Gump. Running forever is all you know. You join the sport out of convenience. Despite this, the group chat you made freshman year of high school is still active, and its members are your best friends.
