Recently, I bullied my boss into sending me on a trip to Fort Lauderdale. I had a goal in mind when I was going on this trip, as I do on most of my trips to Florida: to trick a man into letting me onto his boat. It literally does not matter to me who the man is, just that he has a boat.
Usually, when playing this game, I go for the easiest option. Club promoters might seem like an easy target on paper, they’re basically hungry for random girls on Instagram to ask if they have a yacht they can go on.
But at what cost? You have to be on camera and exploit yourself for hours at a time, just for a free boat ride with a bunch of tiny girls who look like they haven’t slept in days. “How many followers do you have?” is also a question that you may even genuinely be asked. Not even as a joke.
That’s why a classic dating app is your best bet. I just wanted a regular boat ride with regular men who wouldn’t force me to post an Insta story with 20 tags while hearing the words, “You have to repost that, you tagged the wrong ‘GMoney__XXX’”.
So I logged onto Hinge and started messaging strangers. I didn’t bother with “Hey”, or “What’s your last name?”. Just “Do you have a boat?”.
It worked. Like, almost immediately. Multiple men were willing to let me and my friends on their boat. We chose the guys who were somehow down to go within the next hour, and we got ready to go. I’m not exaggerating when I say I had no idea what they looked like. I didn’t even bother saving their number. I just got in the car.
I decided to post this as a tutorial on TikTok. Finding guys with boats is my favorite activity, and I thought nothing of it. Until it went viral. Which is great! Except it didn’t go viral in like, the best way. Actually, I’m pretty sure a million people basically think I’m the devil right now.
It turns out that this is actually a super dangerous idea, and I’m a bad influence on teen girls who are impressionable and will definitely get on a random boat and get killed.
I guess just don’t get on strange guy’s boats. I mean, sorry, but I’m pretty sure not even 14 year-olds would see that TikTok and think: “Hey, this girl seems like she’d be a great babysitter. I should probably definitely take her advice!”
Not all of the hate comments are towards me, though. Most of these people are just randomly fighting each other. It’s like they’re figuring out ways they can take my 15 second video and apply it to a random social justice issue they were assigned to in class.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good social justice moment. But the debates that are taking place aren’t even relevant, it just seems like they’re college students whose professor told them they had to post a response for a grade. I’m just saying, if I were their professor, they’d all have to retake the entire class.
They’re covering literally every single social justice issue they can think of. Income inequality, women’s rights, rape culture, poverty, racial injustice, obesity, climate change, you name it. It’s like a full season of Glee. Desperately trying to cover literally anything they can, even if it doesn’t make sense.
The best part of it all is the people who are making videos responding to mine and going viral, too. Here are some response videos that are floating around:
My personal favorite, a guy who hopes I become a victim of a human centipede:
I can’t really blame him, because I’m not going to lie, the boat ride was fun, but actually ended up super sketchy in the end. We all survived, but after we got off and back to the guy’s house, we asked to use his restroom. He was super hesitant, then started saying how he felt weird because his grandma decorated the place. We kept telling him we didn’t care, we just had to pee, and finally, he let us inside.
He wasn’t lying about the grandma thing. His grandma not only clearly decorated the place, but she also made him chicken noodle soup too. And was also eating it in the kitchen.
It was her house. And definitely her boat that we had been on all day. I mean, she was harmless, though. At the end of the day, if a Grandma offering us chicken noodle soup has been the most dangerous encounter I’ve ever had after going on a guy’s boat, I’m doing pretty well.
To be clear, I really hope none of you are super impressionable 14-year-old girls. Don’t get on random boats. But after reading the comments on that video, I think most of the 14-year-old girls are smarter than the 41-year-old men saying “Not to play devil’s advocate, but….”