Why America is Better Than Your Country: Canada

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Digital composite: American bald eagle and flag is underlaid with the handwriting of the US Constitution

America, frick yeah! Comin’ again to save the motherfrickin’ day, yeah

America, frick Yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah

Terrorists, your game is through ‘Cause now you have to answer to

America, frick yeah!

I don’t have a publishable version for the rest of this song. Enjoy this blog. It won’t be as good as anything Trey Parker and Matt Stone have ever written. 

They Employ Our Washed-Up Football Players

When washed up football players like Chad Ochocinco retire from the NFL, Canada takes them. This is because they want to have football, but can’t. Canada routinely digs through America’s recycling bin for football talent, which shows how much they want to be us athletically. 

It’s Really Cold There

Jackets are expensive. In America, I have one jacket. In Canada, I’d need at least two. I can’t afford that. You’d expect them to have warmer temperatures after setting the entire country on fire, but no. That place is cold. 

We Have Niagara Falls Too

Their big tourist trap is a water fall that sits between both of our countries. That means their nation’s biggest draw is a wash with the United States. It almost feels like they aren’t even trying to beat us anymore.

French is a Terrible Language

This has already been covered here. As a lazy person, I’m all for using someone else’s language instead of creating your own. But why pick the language that makes you sound like you eternally have peanut butter stuck in your mouth. English was right there. 

They Have a Maple Syrup Stranglehold

And it’s not even that good. It’s so thin you could rinse your mouth with it. Last time I checked, Aunt Jemima is made in the United States, and tastes even better. 

Despite all of this, their marijuana laws and poutine put them comfortably above France and England

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